9.1.11

Things I am sick of - circa summer 2010


- I’m sick of everything, to be honest – of work, of people, of having to work hard to please people, of having to work hard to make money, of having to make money to impress people, of having to impress people to get ahead with work, of having to make money to buy food to feed myself because I live by myself now and Mom no longer does my groceries.
- I’m sick of going out and hanging out with awesome people who are totally unmotivated to do anything great with their lives, and I’m sick of spending $6 on a pint of beer just so I can hang out with said people and talk about nothing that really really matters.
- I’m sick of having to stretch before and after doing sports. I’m sick of having to feel like I need to dominate when playing sports, because reality is, I’m no longer the athlete I was in high school.
- I’m sick of trying to hold up to people’s expectations because I had no idea how much work it is to be liked by people.
- I’m sick of being sick of things because it breeds cynicism and angst in me that really doesn’t need to be there.
- I’m sick of being impatient with my parents on the phone because I have a more interesting basketball article to read online.
- I’m sick of Facebook but I’m sick of the fact that I NEED Facebook in order to keep my life organized.
- I’m sick of being good at poetry because the expectations placed on me when I step to the mic are too heavy for a person with weak knees. I’m sick of being captain of the Ottawa team because it’s a lot of pressure trying to lead four black men when you’re one small Asian. (edit: we won and I'm no longer sick of being captain because my team is dope and I didn't really captain anything anyway; we co-led each other)
- I’m sick of wanting to be better at everything because I feel like anything less than the best is worst, which is a deep deep perversion of the ‘anything less than YOUR best is worst’ mentality, which happens to be a very very good way to live one’s life. The challenge is differentiating between your best and the best. I miss not having responsibilities, or having to worry about my future. Even in grade 12, I didn’t worry about my future the way I do now. I also hate the fact that I have this wicked awesome plan for my future that incorporates nobody back home and nothing to do with my line of study or anything – it incorporates doing the very thing that I love to loathe, which is being less than my best. The problem is that I feel like that would be the most fulfilling thing since I’ve been excelling for so long.
- I’m sick of being proud of my accomplishments because while I’ve never found myself cocky, I care deeply that people know I’m good at things but that I’m also humble. What kind of sick paradox is that? Being humble but wanting to people to be impressed with my humility? There’s got to be some sort of rule against that.
- I’m sick of living my life by rules, and I’m sick of feeling like I have to break those rules because I’ve always been the rebel.
- I’m sick of not being able to embrace certain aspects of life because of who people think I am, and I’m sick of the fact that summer allows girls to showcase their beauty so much more when I have absolutely no interest in pursuing any form of female companionship, or so I tell myself.
- I’m sick of having to drink pilsner because the group wants a pitcher when really all I want is a pint of Rickards white with an orange slice because it’s fucking summer and a Rickards White would just really hit the spot.
- I’m sick of the fact that I can’t tell them that because it will ruin my laid-back, go with the flow persona that I’ve so carefully co-constructed with everyone I’ve ever met in my life.
- I’m sick of having so many friends but so few that I can write this sort of letter to.
- I’m sick of you living in Coquitlam when you could live in Ottawa and we could share an apartment and bitch about our respective lives to each other and you could come to my poetry slams and tell me to stop being Chris Tse the amazing performer and just tell me to be Chris Tse, and I could comfort you after your latest failed date by reminding you that most people, not just some people, are, in fact, selfish and inconsiderate.

3 comments:

  1. i read it and as always love how real you are. cue coldplay: "let's talk"

    ReplyDelete
  2. so idea. instead of being roomies in ottawa, lets be roomies in paris.
    or wherever else you end up
    cause it will be great

    ReplyDelete