Blast from the Past - Intro and #1: Be Yourself

Ok, so I was doing some housecleaning (read: I was browsing through old files on my lappie instead of paying attention during the first class of the year,) and I came across a couple of folders full of old stuff I've done from the past: for the local paper column, for school paper, for friends, for fun. I spent the following two hours of African Literature 3692 skimming over these old write-ups and smiling at how unrefined my writing style and sense of humour used to be. Not to say that either of the two has matured in any way but... whatevs.

Anyway, I thought it'd be cool in the future to post some of these gems for the ten of you (TEN FOLLOWERS!) who read this thang to check out and hopefully enjoy. I will call these little entries BFTPs, or Blast From The Past entries. Feel free to comment.

BFTP #1 - Be Yourself
Type: Editorial
For: Charles Best Grade 9 Survival Handbook (ECHO project)
Written: August 2005 (grade 11)

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Greetings, freshmen. This little bit of useful information that you're about to read is a welcome gift from me to you. You're welcome.

You know what confuses me sometimes? From the very beginning of school, when we were eating Playdough in kindergarten and shatting in our pants, all the way till now when we're bumming around in high school doing lines of coffee sugar and laughing at awesome BJ jokes, they constantly tell us to be different. Who's 'they' you ask? Well, let me tell you. 'They' is teachers, principals, parents, and society. Be original, they say. Be yourself, they say. Behave, they say. But almost all the time, their advice seems to go unheeded. Take notes, freshmen. When you get to Dr. Charles Best Secondary, you will automatically be labeled upon entry into our glorious school. Consider the following choices, and then choose the person that you would most like to be labeled as. Note that a student can belong to more than one group.

• Jock A (athlete with little to no brain matter)
• Jock B (athlete with a normal amount of brain matter)
• Nerd* (child prodigy complete with thick glasses and lack of social life)
• Geek* (Dungeons and Dragons and gameboy, oh my!)
• Galactic Geek* (anyone obsessed with Star Wars, Star Trek, and star-fighter games)
• Barbie Dolls (watch "Mean Girls". 'Nuff said.)
• Students with a future in the sex-trade business (this kinda describes itself, doesn't it?)
• Skaters (simply put, boarders or kids who dress like them)
• Punk (two categories: hipster or grunge)
• Emo (they're like punks, except darker and more annoying)
• Asians (if you're Asian, then your problems are solved)
• FOB Asians (if you're a FOB Asian, then your problems are just getting started)
• Normal everyday'er (these students fill in the cracks between the aforementioned gorups. They're athletes, musicians, artists, and punks, all rolled into one.)
• ??? (this could be you!)

*Note that nerds and geeks are often interchangeable. Star Trek and prowess in physics often go hand in hand.

If you actually chose a group that you would like to belong to, then congratulations, you're more gullible than I thought. At any rate, here's where I'm supposed to tell you that the best group to belong to is the ??? group and that you should be unlabeled and unique and all that Planning 10 choose-your-path shit. But because I care about you freshmen sooo much, I'm just gonna lay it out for you, straight up. If you want to be cool in high school, there are only two people that you should try to be: yourself, or me. If you have no idea who I am, feel free to look me up in the dictionary under "the epitome of cool" or in Time Magazine's 100 Most Influential People. Being me might be easier for Asians to pull off, seeing as how they share the same rough ancestry as I do, but white kids, don't give up. Turning Asian is but an attitude, RP, holla at me.) If you've got it, you'll never lose it.
So, I'll sum up exactly what's been said so that your little ninth grade cervical units can process it. Only losers can be labeled. If you truly desire to be high school cool, follow your heart (Disney, stand UP!) Or be like me. You won't regret it. I might even let you chill with me if I deem you worthy.
For those of you who have found this little pshbang discriminatory, or racist, or offensive, I have but one thing to say: get used to it. This is high school, my friends. So shut up, or get beat up.

But if you're with me, you'll never get beat up.

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